Do you feel apprehensive if a friend, family member or work colleague tells you they’re experiencing mental health issues?
You’d like to help, but are concerned you’ll be out of your depth, say the wrong thing, make the situation worse?
The first thing to do if someone speaks to you about their mental health is to stay calm. You don’t need professional training to provide useful support to someone who is emotionally distressed.
Research suggests that being authentic, and showing genuine interest and kindness goes a long way towards helping people to open up and start addressing the issues that are troubling them.
How should I react if someone confides in me?
Don’t put pressure on yourself to make things better or solve their problems. Instead, focus your attention fully on the person you’re with and encourage them to talk about what’s going on.
Concentrate on listening carefully and be aware of body language, theirs and your own. You can learn a lot about how someone is feeling from their posture, facial expressions and the way they use their hands. Check out your posture too: folding your arms or slumping back might seem as if you don’t want to engage, while leaning too far forward could be experienced as intrusive. Your facial expression is also important: grinning can imply you’re not taking this seriously, but frowning could be interpreted as disapproval.
What can I do to encourage them to talk?
Use open questions (‘How?’ ‘Why?’ ‘What?’ ‘When?’ ‘Where?’) so the person has to answer more than just ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Avoid firing lots of questions though and don’t be afraid of silence. Give the person space to construct their answer.
Offer minimal prompts (‘Mmm’ or a head nod) to show you’d like them to continue. Make eye contact but not relentlessly, or it could seem invasive.
Repeating back a keyword/phrase they’ve said can encourage them to elaborate. Choose a word/phrase with emotional content, e.g. ’You were devastated you lost your job?’
If the person seems stuck, asking for clarification, (‘can you say a bit more about…?’), or offering a brief summary of what they’ve just said can help them to continue.
What should I avoid?
Being judgemental. Even if you disapprove of the person’s behaviour or think their current situation is their fault, suspend that thought and try to see things from their point of view.
Interrupting, making assumptions and talking about your own experiences is likely to make them feel as if you’re not interested in what they are saying.
Be sparing about offering unsolicited advice or suggesting solutions. Instead, encourage them to identify the next steps they could take towards resolving their problem. Sometimes people just want to share how they’re feeling, so planning the next steps isn’t always appropriate.
If someone is crying, don’t tell them to stop. We often say this because we’re uncomfortable with their tears and if they think that, they’ll probably hold back from engaging with you. Making an empathic response such as ‘It’s been a huge loss.’ and giving them time to compose themselves is likely to be more beneficial.
Other considerations
Depending on the context and the relationship between you, clarifying confidentiality boundaries might be appropriate.
End the conversation sensitively. If you’re concerned about someone’s immediate wellbeing, check out what they’re doing next and try to agree on something that feels appropriate.
Offering to have a follow-up conversation might be welcome in some circumstances if you’re prepared to do that.
People often say they feel ‘lighter’ when they have spoken in depth about a problem. If you’ve been supporting someone who is distressed or traumatised, you may have absorbed some of their emotion, so monitor your wellbeing afterwards.
Be aware of your stress levels. Use your support system and engage in relaxation activities if you need to.
Maintain appropriate boundaries. Don’t promise things if they’ll be detrimental to you, such as ‘You can ring me anytime.’
Final thoughts
It can be disconcerting if someone confides in you about their mental health, particularly if you weren’t expecting it or didn’t know they were struggling, but don’t fall into thinking you need to respond perfectly.
People experiencing such difficulties often feel stuck, unconnected and worthless. Many report that someone taking a genuine interest in their situation, giving time and showing kindness made a big difference and often motivated them to seek further help to resolve their issues.
If you would like Barbara to talk to your organisation please contact barbara@jonathansvoice.org.uk. For information about bespoke training that Jonathan’s Voice can provide to your organisation, contact penelope@jonathansvoice.org.uk
Jonathan’s Voice is named after Jonathan McCartney, a UK patent attorney who tragically took his own life in 2017 at the age of 35. He was described as loyal, kind, and loving, always doing his best for, and by, everyone. One of the group’s primary aims is to help create a healthier working culture in law and give legal professionals the tools they need to deal better with mental health problems including anxiety and depression.
